"doing lines of dust and sweat..."

seeing the world through lemon shaded glasses
don't talk about it be about it.
it's so easy to hate you at face value
but by god, i love you all the way in between
daddy said you gotta go out and make it
mama said you can't, i love my baby too much
sedate all my lost thoughts
the moon had shone through my bedroom window
it finally showed me the light
"i don't need her to be happy"
but hey you don't hurt
except for most of the time
i am only human in the most perfect of situations

i am memory lost

so since it always had to be this way
whatever.
without you i'm just me
i'm just fine.
i still sing the same way when i drive home
my mind is a tomb
roll over to find a new perspective
but you just still can't sleep.
and you always know that i'm gonna catch some flack
but life always looks better sitting in a cadillac
slow motion happiness
you forgot who you were

"Or maybe you never knew in the first place.
Listening to your heart tick tock
You should have been listening to your conscience tisk tisk.
Now alone, waiting for the marble to crumble
The statue you built as your life,
And destroyed single-handedly "

so why won't the world revolve around me?
i put in a goddamn effort
bless me for not knowing what you knew
hold your breath until you're blue
i'm oh so stubborn though right?
standing ovation for the sit-out crowd
i applaud your guts.
not only did this situation pan out the way you wanted it to
more or less the entire year was dedicated to you.
'forget-me-soon's' and 'i could less''
black dress insignificance.

"You’d burn your bridges before they were built
If you could
Never looking forward
Destroy everything in a backwards motion
Stepping on roses along the way
And licking the thorns
I made this for you
This planet
Of compassion
And willingness.
But you would rather drag on
To where?"

so you know my self esteem 'aint what it used to be
maybe you could wrap your car around a tree
maybe i'd be better
maybe in the morning we'll forget it
drink it down and sleep the rest off.
i can remember what you said through the fog
but it was something like "i never pictured us like this"
so maybe i'll be better off
i paint my way into a grey skyline
oh sweet neon.
i loved the way i had hope
what else did i ever need?

"Kill me
you did
But softly wasn’t in your vocabulary
Sporadic decisions haunt me now
Not understanding my flaws
Denying that I have none
You made me believe everything
And now what am I supposed to doubt?
Your liveliness
Was only comparable to
Your loveliness.
That I won’t doubt.
But your infectiousness
May disease me forever.
Parade your indecencies because you love the spotlight"

not only did i believe you
i had already assumed the worst
i'm only looking distance from a dead-end
i made a life saving catch one day
just to let it drop and fade away
"i'll be fine i promise"
but everything's now figured out
you found me out.
i'm in a sensation that lasted about 20 minutes
forget what i felt
how did it make you?

"You didn’t just make it
You were the confidence
In me
You were the plan
You were the extent
Let’s share our lives
It wouldn’t have originated by my own imagination
Pierce me again
I may just love it
Or so it would seem
I just can’t get away
Separation only goes so far
Mind is separate from body
Look to the future
To see nothing
Look to the past to see less
Lets share this smile that faded long ago
We never did this on purpose right?"

forgive me
i am not what i used to be
a storybook ending with the page ripped out
i colored out the pictures i didn't like
i'm a lot more spaced than what i used to be
but it could change in a second, you see
if i had the chance
i'd end it before you got to me.
i am not what i used to be
so for that, forgive me.

"Broken like an old accordion
You looked through my open tears
And didn’t bother a bit to patch them up
Rather spread them further
To get a better view
Not saying you used me or anything.
Cliché sayings get old though
And lets not forget about the time you almost escaped
Almost
Almost
Almost
And your own fear caught you and brought you back
Like a bounty hunter
You always were your own worst enemy"

and so now you know.

i never said i lost control

forget everything i ever said before
i don't mean anything i say anymore.
it's just a fact of life--
when your head goes under
i am in passive mode.
you fast forwarded the good parts
now we're in the staring scene
awkwardly stammering what i actually mean
sift through the sand just to find my empty hands
you completely make me incomplete.
inadequacy at its finest.
simply put, i'm a wreck
and never having you is my worst mess
disarray.
when my phone is my only lifeline i'm hanging by a thread
it wouldn't make a difference if i hung my feelings on the fence
i cannot quit you.
once there was a time where everything made sense.
wait, scratch that.
i'm so unsure of myself
and you aren't helping
can you help it?
i don't think so.
you can't force what's not there
but fyi it's killing me.
it'd be better if you forgot my name and never wanted to see me again.
because i would have some closure.

and like a mummy, you unravel.

i never thought you'd whittle away
let go and gain control
are you a loyalist or trader?
just give my life away
left a cryptic note on a napkin
said "if this is what i am, i don't wanna be me. and without you, i'm just..."
push away with all we were(n't)
baby-blue eyed motives and jones soda dreams
this victory is always bittersweet
i'm just fine
but my passenger seat 'aint.

so, now i know.

the girl i've wanted for three years is unattainable.
but at least i know now.
so cal head in a mitten state of mind
reverse the damage
crash into her head just to be towed away.
i know the true feeling of what it means to be alone
i can't stand me
oh such stupidity
forget what you once knew baby blue
for you know not what you could do
what we could have been
i don't know
but at least i know.

mo
v
eo
n