reboot. rest. repeat.

gridlocked
and i'm starting just to make sense to everyone
but mostly to myself

jump-start
the rest of my sentence
and by the time this makes sense
you'll already be irrelevant

i could cut you down
and i swear that no one will know you exist
i could cut you down
and that's all you'll ever know

i'm not sorry
and what if i never was?
it was the call of the wild in my head
they always told me i'm faded out on love and
i'm not sorry
so what if i never was?


lock jaw
my head in just in detox
was born and ready
was born and ready for no one

and i thought
that maybe this would make sense
i am just in defense
and that's all you need to know

i could cut you down
give the word, and i swear that i'll just hit reset
i cut could cut you down
maybe you'll learn your lesson
but. who. knows?


i'm not sorry
and what if i never was?
it was the call of the wild in my head
they always told me i'm faded out on love and
i'm not sorry
so what if i never was?
it's the call of the wild in my head
they always told me "you can sleep when you're dead"
you're dead

i hope you're wrong
one day baby
so, i was wrong
what's it to you?

i'm not sorry
and what if i never was?
it was the call of the wild in my head
they always told me i'm faded out on love and
i'm not sorry
so what if i never was?
it's the call of the wild in my head
they always told me "you can sleep when you're dead"
so i'm dead.

living through y(our)selves.

atop the throne sits mr sandman himself
and miss pretentious princess
can it, put a fucking lid on it
and everything will be alright baby
and even though melancholy is my best friend;
and pessimism is my commander in chief
i'm learning how to lean on me and no one else
sandbox dreams are so unlimited
taint the real world with a rose shade
conglomeration of narcissism pressed between my sheets
and i'm the only one sleeping in my bed tonight
just like every night
alonely.

only get lonely when you read the charts.

i could care fucking less.
i'm steadily losing interest in your existence.
crime rate in my head has gone way up
what do i mean to anyone anymore?
running towards the light but fell and gloriously at that
i'm gonna have to fix this
don't you ever lie to me again.
i'd like to say this is your last warning
but when did what i say mean anything to you anyway
pulling the strings on a puppet show
i cannot believe you.
or you.


so she returned to her cigarettes, like she always did. pouring her feelings into a martini, and downing them back again. what she did was incomparable to her self esteem. rocks(tars) filled her head and put her to bed at night. she's gonna leave that town one day, she said. she just doesn't know when and how. train tickets cost her pocket lining and leaving her ghost cost her her soul. she woke up next to stranger, and she was even alone. toying with emotions wasn't hard, and it was similar to the sunshine she injected whenever she could scrape up the money. benzedrine dreams. i loved the way she thought she could take it all on. you aren't any better than i am. don't let the empty pillow beside me fool you. i am worlds ahead of you. get me back to wherever i felt better. you know me. i should have said i was an outcast. get me back to wherever i never met her. what's it matter to you, you reaped all my benefits anyway. that tv lit the room just right. she knew what she was doing that night. i just hope she can forgive herself one day.

"doing lines of dust and sweat..."

seeing the world through lemon shaded glasses
don't talk about it be about it.
it's so easy to hate you at face value
but by god, i love you all the way in between
daddy said you gotta go out and make it
mama said you can't, i love my baby too much
sedate all my lost thoughts
the moon had shone through my bedroom window
it finally showed me the light
"i don't need her to be happy"
but hey you don't hurt
except for most of the time
i am only human in the most perfect of situations

i am memory lost

so since it always had to be this way
whatever.
without you i'm just me
i'm just fine.
i still sing the same way when i drive home
my mind is a tomb
roll over to find a new perspective
but you just still can't sleep.
and you always know that i'm gonna catch some flack
but life always looks better sitting in a cadillac
slow motion happiness
you forgot who you were

"Or maybe you never knew in the first place.
Listening to your heart tick tock
You should have been listening to your conscience tisk tisk.
Now alone, waiting for the marble to crumble
The statue you built as your life,
And destroyed single-handedly "

so why won't the world revolve around me?
i put in a goddamn effort
bless me for not knowing what you knew
hold your breath until you're blue
i'm oh so stubborn though right?
standing ovation for the sit-out crowd
i applaud your guts.
not only did this situation pan out the way you wanted it to
more or less the entire year was dedicated to you.
'forget-me-soon's' and 'i could less''
black dress insignificance.

"You’d burn your bridges before they were built
If you could
Never looking forward
Destroy everything in a backwards motion
Stepping on roses along the way
And licking the thorns
I made this for you
This planet
Of compassion
And willingness.
But you would rather drag on
To where?"

so you know my self esteem 'aint what it used to be
maybe you could wrap your car around a tree
maybe i'd be better
maybe in the morning we'll forget it
drink it down and sleep the rest off.
i can remember what you said through the fog
but it was something like "i never pictured us like this"
so maybe i'll be better off
i paint my way into a grey skyline
oh sweet neon.
i loved the way i had hope
what else did i ever need?

"Kill me
you did
But softly wasn’t in your vocabulary
Sporadic decisions haunt me now
Not understanding my flaws
Denying that I have none
You made me believe everything
And now what am I supposed to doubt?
Your liveliness
Was only comparable to
Your loveliness.
That I won’t doubt.
But your infectiousness
May disease me forever.
Parade your indecencies because you love the spotlight"

not only did i believe you
i had already assumed the worst
i'm only looking distance from a dead-end
i made a life saving catch one day
just to let it drop and fade away
"i'll be fine i promise"
but everything's now figured out
you found me out.
i'm in a sensation that lasted about 20 minutes
forget what i felt
how did it make you?

"You didn’t just make it
You were the confidence
In me
You were the plan
You were the extent
Let’s share our lives
It wouldn’t have originated by my own imagination
Pierce me again
I may just love it
Or so it would seem
I just can’t get away
Separation only goes so far
Mind is separate from body
Look to the future
To see nothing
Look to the past to see less
Lets share this smile that faded long ago
We never did this on purpose right?"

forgive me
i am not what i used to be
a storybook ending with the page ripped out
i colored out the pictures i didn't like
i'm a lot more spaced than what i used to be
but it could change in a second, you see
if i had the chance
i'd end it before you got to me.
i am not what i used to be
so for that, forgive me.

"Broken like an old accordion
You looked through my open tears
And didn’t bother a bit to patch them up
Rather spread them further
To get a better view
Not saying you used me or anything.
Cliché sayings get old though
And lets not forget about the time you almost escaped
Almost
Almost
Almost
And your own fear caught you and brought you back
Like a bounty hunter
You always were your own worst enemy"

and so now you know.

i never said i lost control

forget everything i ever said before
i don't mean anything i say anymore.
it's just a fact of life--
when your head goes under
i am in passive mode.
you fast forwarded the good parts
now we're in the staring scene
awkwardly stammering what i actually mean
sift through the sand just to find my empty hands
you completely make me incomplete.
inadequacy at its finest.
simply put, i'm a wreck
and never having you is my worst mess
disarray.
when my phone is my only lifeline i'm hanging by a thread
it wouldn't make a difference if i hung my feelings on the fence
i cannot quit you.
once there was a time where everything made sense.
wait, scratch that.
i'm so unsure of myself
and you aren't helping
can you help it?
i don't think so.
you can't force what's not there
but fyi it's killing me.
it'd be better if you forgot my name and never wanted to see me again.
because i would have some closure.

and like a mummy, you unravel.

i never thought you'd whittle away
let go and gain control
are you a loyalist or trader?
just give my life away
left a cryptic note on a napkin
said "if this is what i am, i don't wanna be me. and without you, i'm just..."
push away with all we were(n't)
baby-blue eyed motives and jones soda dreams
this victory is always bittersweet
i'm just fine
but my passenger seat 'aint.

so, now i know.

the girl i've wanted for three years is unattainable.
but at least i know now.
so cal head in a mitten state of mind
reverse the damage
crash into her head just to be towed away.
i know the true feeling of what it means to be alone
i can't stand me
oh such stupidity
forget what you once knew baby blue
for you know not what you could do
what we could have been
i don't know
but at least i know.

mo
v
eo
n

untitled for once

i am in love with how this is turning out.

"feel it out in your head, everything...."

miss flack, said i still want you back.

you've got your innocent eyes
and i'm cliche'
distanced myself
but now my head's okay

three years and i'll never stop counting
and i wanted what i never had
self-esteem engine gone dry
my head is a cave-mural
you're the keyhole i look through
i can't believe my luck for once
what a catch, donnie
when i said i'd be fine i lied
but now i can say it straight
what a weekend can change
i wanna hold yr hand forever.


oh, is it love?

soul music aint just somethin you can fake

i was just meaning to dip my feet and now my head is swimming.
i over commit and underestimate.
i am not what i think i am
i am not what i think i am.
i am not what i think i am.
keep dreaming
and
eventually
those dreams will
wear themselves



out. everything of human creation breaks overtime.


well-aware and well armed
i keep my charm at the bottom of my belt
simplified 'it's complicated'
i am at the bottom of the ocean counting the rest of my days
heart like an iron cage
cynicism of an older age
and i will never believe in anything ever again.
listen.

what?

kicking in the door that's always open

i don't know what else to say except for i'm carved out of stone
"but for what we've become, we just feel more alone."
wrong direction
and sometimes birds fly north.
head pressed against your bedroom wall
just wanna hear you think about me
and when the clock hands double over on themselves
is the time when i've poured out my entire chest
i have mini-wars with myself every day
it's a long fight but in the end, it all stays the same
if beauty is only skin deep
then baby yours must have bled through
i can see myself cross the world for you

only i could have been this prehistoric
we grow a garden of certain inconsistency
and maybe i climbed the fence and didn't even know it
moonlighting just to see my only dream
so maybe this was a wrong done right
but i've been wrong before
i didn't notice when her head had fell apart
but hey, i've been wrong before
you know how i do...
we don't form a thought until noon
bring our drinks together to forget
that's always just a junkie fix.


"i'll be alone. you're feeling so lost and disillusioned"
it's all gonna make sense real soon.

intensity in ten cities.

feel it out in your head, everything
just make sure someday you wear my ring
time is a mere accessory it seems
i won't give up on you unless you just happen forget me
i'll be here for a while
if i am what i am what do you want from me?
sometimes i wish my thoughts just made sense
under the influence of influence
a drunken dream boat headed for off-shore
i love them all but i love you more
i think i'm missing out
swing and a terrible hit
i am a front porch kid
asphyxiated on a chance i might never get
inherit a bad dream
and tell it to go to sleep
i just wanna breathe with you
and i just wanna stop breathing with you, too.

it's not over yet...it never is

just pretend that you're alone
i know it's old
but it's the only song i've ever known
and it keeps singin to me
"once upon a hell..."
i'd rewind clocks
and hoped you couldn't ever tell
when something wasn't missing
something's always missing

put me in a place called heroin

i'm young and whatever
please make her make my head feel better
is this time different?
does it all paint itself the same?
i'm no junkie but good god i need a fix
"i wanna wake up where you are"
put baby boy on the phone
and he'll tell you that i'm all alone
take that light and put it away
in a box and under your floorboard
next to all the old lust letters
and when you're ready love,
i'm here.

to you

if you ever read this,
please know that it was love.

lalalament

so we're love sick and plugging the hole with a party
i'm in love with whatever it is i started
distraught is a tire with a slow leak
we are at our most poignant when we say nothing at all
the way the tv screen lights your face
i'm not ever gonna put the pieces together on purpose
i wanna freeze the way i felt
you mean so much to me
lakes lap the shores in my head
makes me want to be at home in my skin
i just wanna be like you
but not at all
i don't ever want the pieces to fit.

"you can bow and pretend you don't know you're a legend..."

it's all a different world today.
and i made inventions of pure spite
i'd love to say i am the embodiment of the midwest innocence
"summer love on a gurney with a squeaky wheel"
i've overdosed on myself before
in a foreign place but it always seems so similar.
i've crunched the numbers and i still can't figure myself out
fascinated with someone i don't know anymore.
i'm in love with my own sins, too.

is it weird that the blues can make you happy sometimes?

no pressure, no forcing what's not there.
when i was young(and maybe i still am), i couldn't make decisons
and when i was short(oh i'm positive i still am), i couldn't see what it was like being happy over everyone's heads.
i have moved on but i still miss you.
does it make sense?
am i pathetic?
i'm afraid to know if you knew. you've probably never given me second thought.
still i'm rooted to this spot in my heart
the weeds have grown over where we stood.
remember that one time back in 2005?
you probably don't
i am a ghost
a poltergeist.
a shadow on your wall
tell me where i want to be. i have no idea anymore
you know that radio rock song they play over and over that gets stale around the corners?
it's like the story of my life in powerchord form.
but d'you still listen sometimes?
guilty pleasure anymore?
if you've ever read the lyrics
like, really read them
you'd put the needle to your head and hear me with you.
at least i cross my stars and count my change and hope to God that's what that record plays
it's the sweetest song ever made.
i am a slow brewed boy
not ready til the time is perfectly right
i can't seem to find my own time.
where is the charm that i used to have?
i never noticed it but you saw something in me.
i hope i didn't lose it in these clothes that i wear.
chisel me out of concrete in set myself to sleep
i am a song telling you to do your best played in reverse
i loved you til the day they put me in a hearse
oh shine, sun, shine
we'll all need a little light in a short time.
please listen to me:
i know you'll neve read this
but understand this.
i don't know what it is about you that keeps you in my mind locked and chained and the key went missing
but i cannot stand the fact that i was put to dry
and i want my time of day
and maybe sometimes down the road
it will be "i've always wanted us to be this way"
and when i was naive(sometimes i know a little bit) i used to think i could be with you
and when i was just a little insecure(and now i'm an open door with no knob and no lock) i couldn't imagine this ever working in a million years.
i hope someone can do something to me
fix me.

oh my own ambiance
we lost whatever it was we had.
i'd hum myself a song if i knew it would help
a lot of good i've done for anyone else.
we are, we are, we are whatever it is we think we are

stay where i can see you

if you ever drained the ocean
and saw what was on the bottom
you'd look like this too.
i've heard of a lot failures in my years
i guess everything happens for a reason.
if i finally hit my wall how do i bounce back?
i am disintegration in slow motion
we are the only light i ever see
a rags to riches to rags story
we all weep for the downfall
but no one ever notices the kids stuck on bottom
my tank is on empty
i want to love you and you have no idea.
i want to fuck you but my better mind battles me
i want you talk to me because i can't scrounge up my guts.

why do we always sing the saddest songs at the end?

i believe nostalgia will be the downfall of us all.

everything seems so real now.
i'm teetering on my last days of my old life
i'm caught up in the heat of everything
it's a powerful thing you know:
to recognize and correct.
but it's so hard to do
when my whole life is on my chest.


i caught fire one summer day
and haven't burnt out since
one day i'll learn to love
just crest and fall
repeat
and do it again
i've lost myself and want to find anew.

under the summer rain

i've locked and loaded all the words i won't ever say
pointed them at my own head cuz it's my only demise.
dance and explode.
criss cross paths and meet somewhere where i've never been.
i'm so shocked and understood.
we starve for the approval of everyone
knowing that no one understood
the story unfolds and the stone is chipped away
for i'm my on my own now son,
you should have never listened to a word i said
and everyone i can come to terms with in my head
won't feel the way i do
unless they change their entire tune to the key just flat of being content
i ran a hundred miles in my head
i've counted every star in the sky
i can't believe all the things that have happened to me
but can believe why
i'm a comet that collides with your hips
a star that never shone as bright as the day we intertwined
and is duller now for it.
i cannot forget all the ones who loved me
because they're the best thing that's ever happened to my pathetic story
god bring all my friends to glory


"i'd sing my insides out for you."

lights out in the house of the rising sun

the truth is.
i'm not sure of where my heart is
see this girl
had it a long time ago.
and didn't ever tell me where it went.
though i'm not complaining yet,
i just would like to move on
paper mache confidence
mixed feelings and drinks.
i can't drown my worst feeling out.
water logged with love
or a lack thereof.
i'm always in a rush to nowhere inparticular
i'm feeling out my own end
can't compress all these thoughts into words
and you just aren't you anymore.
can't seem to pull everything together
probably because i don't know where anything is.
i need to know why i'm here
i'm a boy who's lost his sense of home.
i want all my old friends back
tombstone.

some things i'll never know...

i run the world in the palm of my hand.
i sink ships and wash bones up on shore.

i am punch drunk with infatuation.
tanked on love.
started back from square one again
this circle never ends, does it...

and like the mountaineer ignores all the mountains,
and the coast dwellers are blind to the sea,
i picked you out from a crowded room,
darlin won't you marry me?

i'm guessing this is growing up

so far i've come to this:

i dream in black in white
got an outdated imagination
but i do with what i have
cause glory be to nostalgia
a hymn to better times (or so we all thought)
i vaguely remember having shot at love
i missed, but maybe things are changing
"i'll be your summer song and you can be my weak knees."
long live your beauty
it deserves parades
and red carpets
but you're not that kind of skirt.
organic love
from the heart
and all yours, still


after all this time.

sunshot.

even the devil runs on hallelujah mornings.

from nothing at all, ashes even, he rises

it's the end of the world party but i've got some aspirin for tomorrow
i'm long lost and not sure how far
cry yourself to hell,
you are my awkward pause...
always on and never off.
except for all the time
can't grant any wishes but someday i'll make you cry
oh the one that got away

this felt like kicking it old school.

the hamadryad

"we are all made of the same stuff, remember, we of the jungle, and you of the city. the same substance composes us--the tree overhead, the stone beneath us, the star--we are all one, all moving to the same end...bird and beast and stone and star-- we are all one, all one--child and serpent, star and stone--all one."

the crest of summer

i love it all
and you can have me
just as soon as i've died inside
chase a butterfly dream with wishkeeping nets
i'm not at all phased
just like garden babies with flower crowns
it's an idea that won't ever let me down
i'm growing older but feeling the same
i can't wait to change to a new everyday
i am the sun
your light and shining monster
love like vines
snare your golden lips to mine
and maybe someday, one day, everything will be fine

"and you say chi-city...

i'm coming home again"

faux pas

when life is a shining sea
and your legs are sinking ships
your honorable mention friends will leave you in the end
but you know who is your lighthouse

i meant the world imploded

i'm amazed every single day
you are controlled mania
been ripping the sheets off when i sleep
can't remember a single dream
i'm a distant second to anything worth mentioning
maybe memories, but probably pretend
we're all in a race where we don't win in the end
you are my house
and i just wanna go home
i'm in no position to change
what would i even be anyway?
not sure who i am
but what's new

if you are my star i want to never stop wishing

los angeles massacre

i've got a jar of dirt
took it from your folks' old house
to remind me of the days that i always missed out on
o paper bones;
don't ever let me down
one day i'll shut my eyes and wish real hard
and put a penny in quarter wish-well
get myself a quick fix cuz i'm not that damaged anyway
right?
i am insufficient.
lock my head with a billion different keys
lost the one that ever really mattered to me
and so my story goes
and so we all grow old
baby blues and beautiful browns
bright eyed and articulate
i bet the florida moon is the same as this one
and you still look no different
you are insufficient

you're a star
you're a star
you're a star
keep shining


------
i've got writers block.
i hate everything i write
i can't stomach me

art or television

eggshells and upturned nails is where i've been walking lately
and running through my mind is you
had a good idea but lost it
and every single line i ever crossed
i meant it
all that glitters is not gold
gotta trunk filled half-way with with life
roll my dice
I gamble with everyones money but mine

asleep at the wheel

woah, waiting for the breakdown.

nothing feels good being under the gun

a toast to you, _____. you alone make it all _____.

so sip your red rum
with your green stained knees
a wide-eyed brown in a summer dress
never made me feel like me before.


oh, and so much more.

i'm gonna represent where i'm from...

what if what were on your wrist determined who you were?
polygamy isn't just for shapes anymore.
i am articulate but only half-hearted.
and clouds can't cover everything you're hiding.
we aren't stars but more like constellations.
my entire posse shines.
roller coaster guts and lead hearts and single sipped drinks
a celebrity lifestyle.
i am spilled over the side.
you are reasons to do what we do.
I lock up buttons and trash and leave jewels where they don't belong.
i am only one piece but I have been bent and shaped
love only loved itself so love can go love 'fuckoff.'
i had a heroin dream and it scared the hell outta me.
i could amount to nothing and it scares the hell outta me.
i am your faulty respirator
no wonder you look so blue...

things have changed for me, that's okay. i still feel the same.

let me tell you a story:
a baby-faced demeanor
he's extraordinary on the inside
but so socially sub-par.
most of his time spent somewhere
where's he indeed a king
an imagination
a garden of eden of sorts.
there he's a genius of his own design
a casanova
an entrepreneur
he paves the way to anywhere
with a shovel tongue and cemented wit
he has a way with anyone who looks
the certain spark
the hurrah in your voice
the kind of look you toast to
statues will be erected
and banners will be waved
babies will be kissed on any given day.
the day he dies is the day there's a parade of flowers
and trailing the silver casket will be gold
it's a celebration
of a life not lost, but on the other hand won
lift that boy up to the sun
cause it's exactly where he belongs
lie a lantern with him
in case he loses his way
love him like he was your equal
cause that's all he ever wanted to be.

aurora borealis

i don't shine so bright.


-----------------------
sunday drive with a hairpin turn
turbulence.
masochism.
permanently vexed.
tear storms.
an empty center
a broken "something"
titanic guts
voices that won't sing
unstable mountains
rock solid regrets
arrestable offenses
bone dry bawling
habeas corpus
iron cages and paper lungs
a well owed apology.
"sometimes you don't know how much you hurt my heart"



et quand je rentre à la maison, parfois il ne se sent plus comme lui.



------------------
i'm so sorry.

be there, or be relatively box-ish...

i'm gonna deteriorate from soul to bone
leaving my skin to speak
cause it'll take all i have
to conceal what's underneath
(dreams and inconsistencies)
an ode: to what you'll never see
i'd rather just never come home
than ever see the end
of what we're all doing here
because simply put;
we're all gonna disappear.

if you're never let down when do you know when yr up?

glory hallelujah
i'm the king of shit
a pension for perjury
a two step in the wrong direction
yet my dark demand attention
a kind of bittersweet intervention
toast to being alive
or to just being in the right place
and doing the right line
sick of looking for shit i can't find
i attract all the wrong attention
from all the greatest of the worst
i'm a distant first
crown me attentive
and i won't show
call me brave
and i'll back down

all i want is someone beside me

geriatricly young gun

it's a little easier to say what i wanna when my tongue's loosened up.
but this charm juice is wearing off
i'm not just 'a little' lost
oh,
and this atomosphere around my neck
is keeping all of you in check
and the bankrolls comin in
but it's always wearing thin


i'm still awake
a baby boy's dreams aren't finished
when you pick the lock and let them out the back
morally wrong but generally oh-so-right
we'll have us a champagne jam tonight
the lids under her eyes paint a different picture
i imagined van gogh and got monet
fuck it i feel like i shine
deny deny deny
but i've got it all and all is mine
lost a fortune but she's enough gold
someone forty nined it first



lost in a landfill
woke up in michigan

runnin

and i wonder if they'll laugh when i'm dead.
misery loves you.
"for a chance to be with you, i'd gladly risk it all"
i jump and claw to the top to find myself in the middle
being in a two star feels like you're a 5 star celeb sometimes.
everyone knows yr business
but you don't know they know
but i know
i won't leave this window 'til you kiss me away
an intimate hand in hand
is what i've always planned
but that all goes without saying.
want to buy some confidence. have disparity and pretentiousness to trade
best offer takes me home to you.

"You grow, we all grow, we're made to grow. You either evolve or disappear."

cut the existential cord
i'm done with it all
well for now.

i wanna die and come back
reappear in a blaze of glory
and then show 'em all how to live

what do you say when dreamer doesn't cover it?
i'm delirious i suppose
i'm at large with the way i don't ever let my guard down/out
i'm aiming fr yrs
it's not over tonight
it's not over tonight
it's never over tonight
it's not over any night.

why does it happen to you?
you deserve it all.